Thanks for way too much nothing!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me 
your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me 
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern... 

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. 
(I dont believe this one)

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from
the rat feces and urine. 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet
dog on a hot day. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaida in disguise. 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops. (dont believe this one either) 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. 

I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain
will turn me gay.  

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. 

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. 

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike. 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program. 

But if that doesn't arrive soon enough, I will count on that nice Nigerian
widow to make that huge deposit to my account as soon as I send her all my
banking information and passwords. 

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!